Week 4 Eating Disorder Recover Update (Sam)

A rainy day that matched my feelings

How It Went

It was a difficult week. At the beginning of the week mom and I met with the dietitian to discuss how things went last week and set our next goals. We decided to work on consistency this week, especially with starches and fats/oils at dinner. Regarding food this week, it was a little bit of a disaster. At the start of the week, one day I pushed myself really hard to eat everything that I was given and ignored my feelings of fullness. That night when I went to bed, I felt very sick and nauseous. I had pushed my body beyond what it could handle. I took anti nausea medicine and survived the night. By morning I was fine. This is a disaster because I’m terrified of throwing up. It means that I can’t (or absolutely will not) push myself to eat what everyone needs me to eat. Since starting recovery, I have been continuously hearing that my hunger cues are off and I need to eat despite how I feel, that my body wants and needs the energy and nutrients to be healthy. Maybe there is truth in that, but my body also knows its limits and I need to respect those limits. Although my eating disorder is cheering in the background, these thoughts come from anxiety and not anorexia. My anxiety does not care how my meal plan needs to be changed to overcome this set back, even if that includes meal replacement supplements. Continuing, of course this made meal completion this week very hard. There were many meals where I completed the main part but not the side, and many more that took extra long to finish.

The last few bites of a snack at my friend's house

This week I also went to my friend’s house for a few days. We worked a lot on separate schoolwork, but we took many breaks, and I was well fed. I love spending time with my friend, she is amazing, her whole family is super kind, and her dad is a wonderful cook. Later in the week I had my appointment with the nurse to have my vitals and weight taken but I don’t see the results. Nobody said anything so I guess it went okay. Finally, I had my weekly therapy session which was good. I have been working on negative thoughts and low self-esteem both in therapy and at home. I have been learning to identify my strengths and values, as well as create believable and meaningful affirmations for myself.

An affirmation I made with personal strengths

Lastly, I want to share a little self care story. This week the weather has been starting to get cooler. So, I decided to switch the sheets on my bed from normal light sheets to soft warm flannel sheets. I love the feeling of flannel sheets so much more than regular sheets, but they are too warm in the summer. It made me feel … content while changing my sheets and I was very excited to go to bed afterwards. It felt so good to sleep with flannel sheets again. Anyway, just a reminder to be kind to yourself and do the trivial little things that make you feel good especially when the rest of your life doesn’t feel good. Except, maybe don’t do it at midnight, I somehow managed to mess it up twice.

How I Feel

Hamburger

I feel ashamed for not listening to my body. Because of my fear of throwing up, I am very sensitive to how my body feels. But, when it comes to feeling full, full is just a dangerous feeling to avoid, so I am less attuned to my level of fullness once I have passed the threshold of feeling full. I am more attuned to when my body feels full when it shouldn’t then how full it feels. Anyway, being in recovery and feeling full all the time and being told to ignore it has messed with my ability to judge how I feel. I will now be more aware of how I feel and will not push my body beyond its limit.

Continuing from last week I still feel trapped. There are so many different parts of myself telling me different things. I feel like a failure and a disappointment. I’m scared of the sensation of fullness, and gaining weight, and not completing what I need to eat. I feel guilty and shameful and inadequate and lost and wrong. I just feel bad no matter what I do for so many different reasons. But I’ll keep going. One day at a time.

Current Goals

• Continue to be trusting, open and honest regarding recovery

• Follow my meal plan as best I can

Egg salad sandwich with vegetables and hummus