Four Month Eating Disorder Recovery Update
- Sam
- Jan 14, 2023
- 3 min read
(December 2022)
How It’s Going
The past month has been extremely busy and full of routine changes. I finished the university course I was taking, started working again, and it’s the holidays. At the beginning of the month, I started working 2 mornings a week and I think it’s been going well. My treatment team is nervous about how this will affect my weight, but they believe it will be good for my mental health. In mid December I wrote my final exam for the course I was taking and while I enjoyed the course, I’m glad to have a break from the stress of school until the next semester begins. Also, in mid December many people and places started taking holiday breaks so most of my appointments were paused. On top of that, things got very busy at home with preparations for the holidays. I spent a lot of time making Christmas presents and baking holiday treats to give away. All of this led to huge changes in my routine. School was removed from my schedule, while work and holiday preparations were added. Mom decided early on that we would not be strict with my meal plan because of all the routine changes, busyness, and presence of holiday treats. Although of course I’m still eating regularly and challenging plenty of fear foods. At the end of the month right before Christmas I got the flu which was not pleasant. But I took a couple of days to rest and was fine for Christmas. I spent Christmas day at home with my immediate family and we opened presents and ate a delicious homemade turkey dinner. Over the Christmas break we also visited with friends and exchanged gifts. Finally, I got to go out for a wonderful Christmas dinner with colleagues from work.
How I Feel
I feel a little bit lost with all the routine changes and lack of a firm schedule. I don’t like not knowing what the plan is each day. I constantly need to guess and predict what’s happening so that I can organize each day which takes extra energy. This lost feeling also extends to my recovery. Without appointments and with mom being relaxed about my meal plan I don’t know what I’m doing or what’s expected of me. This makes my self-critical and eating disorder thoughts louder. I’m uncertain and doubting myself more. Although, the relaxed schedule has allowed me to challenge more spontaneous fear foods like freshly baked shortbread cookies and other holiday treats without worrying about my meal plan. Additionally, I’m happy to be back at work because it gives me a small sense of purpose and connection. I hope that I’m doing something helpful and useful. I also enjoy being with the horses again. However, going to work adds stress as well. Just being around people and battling my thoughts can be hard. I feel similar about school where I enjoy parts of it but it is overshadowed by stress. I like learning but I feel a lot of pressure to be perfect and not make mistakes. So, I’m happy to have a small break from the stress of school too.
Since last month there are a few more small changes I noticed. First, I’m not sleeping as well anymore. When I was younger it always took me a while to fall asleep and I would wake up repeatedly during the night. To me this was normal. But, as I lost weight, I started sleeping better. Now, as my body is gaining energy, I am back to my old sleeping patterns. Next, food is starting to lose its positive incentive value, it’s not as interesting anymore. At my lowest eating felt like a big event and all foods tasted good, even foods I don’t like. Eating was the highlight of my day. Now food doesn’t taste as good as it did and occasionally, I will find myself wishing a meal is over so I can move on and do other things. Finally, I’m finding that I’m struggling more with body dysmorphia. I’m eating more and I know I’m gaining weight. To me, I look so much bigger, and clothes feel tighter. But in reality, those around me tell me that my weight is barely changing. At this point I don’t even know what I look like.
Current Goals
Weight restoration
Continue to be trusting, open and honest regarding recovery
Follow my meal plan as best I can
Comments