Week 1 Eating Disorder Recovery Update (Sam)

First meal of recovery!

Considering this is my first week of recovery a lot of big things happened. Both my mom and I stopped working and we plan to take 2 months off work to devote to recovery. We spent some time planning our daily schedule and my meal plan. Then, on August 29 we officially started my recovery. The most important goal of recovery right now is weight gain.

There are a few things I would like to note. First, I do currently have a few professionals on my team. I see a psychotherapist every 2 weeks as well as have my vitals checked by a nurse at my family doctors every 2 weeks. We are in the process of finding a dietitian, but we are working with meal plans I have from a previous dietitian. Second, for the past year I have been logging all my meals with the Recovery Record app. Lastly, I have started writing what I’m going to call an open journal where I am going to write things about myself that I think will be helpful for my treatment team. So far, I have included things like how I developed an eating disorder, causes of my ED, and my fear foods. I did this because I struggle with communication, and I think my thoughts will be easier to express in writing.

Week 1 goals

1. Help plan my recovery schedule.

2. Trust my mom. Try my best to complete the meals she provides me, be open to and participate in the activities she believes will be beneficial for me, and give my mom’s version of recovery a chance.

3. Be honest. Share my thoughts, feelings, and emotions so that I can receive the help and support I need.

How it Went

The beginning of my paper filagree art project

The drastic change in my schedule was hard on me because I find change difficult. Despite this, I enjoyed our schedule this week. Our mornings usually started with yoga and meditation after breakfast. We have been doing the 30-minute yoga for beginners by Yoga with Adriene on YouTube to build up muscle followed by a guided meditation. My favourite meditation so far is A Gift from Your Guardian Spirit by The Honest Guys on YouTube. Next, everyday we listened to a different video from Morningside Chats in The Living Room hosted by Sondra Kronberg which I found helpful and insightful. While listening to the video I did some sort of art or craft project. This week I mostly worked on a Uniquilling paper filigree painting I received as a gift for Christmas. After lunch, we worked on setting up the blog or schedule planning, and after afternoon snack we did our own things.

Our cat Sparkly enjoying yoga too

Visiting the inpatient unit at Toronto General Hospital (UHN)

A couple of big things happened this week. First, I threw our scale off the deck so that I can no longer weigh myself … and I instantly regretted it. I feel lost not knowing my weight and I feel like I hurt the scale by dropping it. But, I also know it was the right decision, It’s one less trigger I need to worry about. Additionally, we went to visit the inpatient unit I am currently on the waitlist for. Now it’s time to decide if I really want to go inpatient or stay home. If I go inpatient, I will be far outside my comfort zone and isolated from everyone I know but will hopefully receive the support I need. If I stay home, I will receive no specialized support but will be in a much more comfortable environment. To make things more difficult, I struggle making decisions and the people around me have strong opinions about inpatient. My doctors are all strongly encouraging me to go while my mom believes it is not the right fit.

Part of a particularly difficult Sunday breakfast

In regards to food, it has been difficult but mostly manageable. For the past year I have already been eating 3 meals and 3 snacks a day so there was no large change in the structure and timing of my meals and snacks. Although, the types of food I’m eating have changed slightly, and the number of calories I’m burning has been dramatically reduced from being off work. I am struggling with feeling constantly full, but I guess it is just something I’m going to have to live with for the next few months, no matter how awful it feels. It’s hard. Sunday was a particularly hard day because breakfast consisted of foods I don’t normally eat, including a fear food. It caused me to struggle the entire day, but I got through it. My mom has been amazing with preparing my food and eating with me during the first half of the day. I'm very grateful for her cooking and support.

Week 2 Goals

1. Continue to trust in my mom and her plans for my recovery.

2. Make a decision about inpatient treatment.

Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about recovery. In short, I don’t feel like I’m sick enough, I feel like I’m wasting everybody’s time, and I’m scared to change. Contrarily, everyone is concerned about me, and I trust them more than I trust myself. I also know I am not happy, and I haven’t been happy for a long time. For me, life is stressful, and I don’t believe I can reach true happiness. Anyway, for recovery, right now I’m going to trust others and continue to take steps forward on whatever path they lay out for me.