Week 3 Eating Disorder Recovery Update (Sam)

Breakfast: Oatmeal with banana, more peanut butter and cinnamon

How it Went

This week involved many appointments as we got things sorted with the dietitian and school, in addition to regular therapy. At the beginning of the week, we met with a dietitian and our main goal for this week was to expand on breakfast and lunch. For example, adding a side of fruit with cereal or adding peanut butter to toast with jam at breakfast and adding a side of vegetables and dip to lunch. We learned that these additions need to be physically noticeable to combat the eating disorder (for example not the addition of protein powder into pancake powder because this is easily hidden and plays into the eating disorder). But sometimes compromises need to be made because adding hidden extras will still move me towards my goal of weight gain when adding anything else is too overwhelming. Following the new meal plan this week was a struggle. Changes are difficult and I had to fight feeling full, but I survived the week. Besides that, Mom and I decided to tie dye some clothes we had laying around as something fun to do together. We also baked some muffins. Although the focus of my life right now is recovery, it’s nice to do other things to take a break for a little while.

Our tie-dye creations

A very filling smoothie

How I Feel

At the beginning of the week, I started to feel hungry before meals. This made me feel fearful and ashamed. Although, meeting with the dietician and increasing my meal plan changed that. I really struggled to eat more and follow the new meal plan. The changes made me feel fearful and bad and full all the time again. There were meals I could not complete and meals that took more time and encouragement. It’s difficult because when I can’t complete a meal, I feel like I’m a failure and I’m disappointing everyone. On the other hand, when I complete a meal and feel super full, I feel like I’m a horrible person, losing self control, and like I'm harming myself by not listening to my body’s cues. I feel trapped. Contrarily, I also feel a little bit relieved. I believed that as soon as I started eating more, I would instantly gain a lot of weight. I can’t weigh myself and don’t know my weight (we also don’t have a full-length mirror, so I can’t see my full body either), but I know that has not happened. Nobody has commented on a sudden obvious change in my appearance or has mentioned an increase in weight. Besides all that, I feel constantly bloated and uncomfortable but that is just a part of recovery I'm going to have to learn to live with for a while.

Homemade Garden Loaf Muffin

Current Goals

• Continue to be trusting, open and honest regarding recovery

• Follow my meal plan as best I can

A friend I met on a walk outside